Thursday, September 04, 2008

Would SPAM marketing sell a book? Probably not.

Dear one:

Please read this in a confidential place because it is for you only.

My name is Mr. K Harrington. I am the auditing and accounting manager of JANEOLOGY in the township of Dallas. In my department, we discovered, amazingly, quite by accident as a boon to you, a sum of several hundred copies of this book. And there is no person that is coming in for those copies, YET. This is why I am contacting you to stand and claim these copies into your personal library.

I need your help to assist me in transferring these books away from Amazon and Barnes & Noble and independent store, and to other libraries around the world, which means that you may have to act as the late Dr. Seuss Harrington, next of kin, to make this claim. Of course, being that the world is increasingly related (see my article about how Obama and Bush may be related here) you may use your name as next of kin.

Of course, this is a very sensitive matter. The book is a psychological thriller and should be handled thus. If you are a fan of John Grisham or other authors of mystery, I know you can be trusted with this story – one of a compelling family tree of characters, going back four generations on maternal and paternal sides of the family of one Jane Nelson to answer the questions once and for all: who is Jane and was she born predisposed to madness?

Jane’s husband, Tom Nelson, most urgently wants to know the answer to this question as her acts defy the image of the woman he loves. You, too, have been in this position. Recall how love has affected you and you will see the importance. You, too, must have asked these questions in a very trying time in your life. Who is this person I am married too? I am sure you can understand that Tom is desperate to get to the bottom of this matter. And with the John Grisham-like way the book is written (As well as the traits of many other authors you will no doubt readily gleen.) You, dear reader, are put in the jury seat to decide the fate of the defendant. A very great trust indeed is needed. His fate, dear one, is in your hands. Please make your claim of this book IMMEDIATELY. Time is on your side if you act fast and with assurance of my utmost integrity.

For your troubles, of course, you will receive 24-34% off the price. THIS IS GUARANTEED JUST FOR YOU at this link. And on top of this, accept from me a very interesting story New Mystery Reader gives its honorable Five-Bolt rating and says “Janeology concludes with an ending that will rattle your genes.” You’ll agree rattling genes are always better than travelling pants. And Booklist calls it “A fascinating premise…as much a character study as a legal thriller.” THERE SURELY IS NOTHING THAT I CAN SAY THAT WILL GIVE YOU MORE CONFIDENCE THAN THAT TO ACT NOW.

Should you please contact Amazon or your favorite bookseller urgently so we can commence all arrangements and handle this project successfully? (In utmost confidentialities, I assure you.) Please do NOT treat this request confidentially. Tell everyone. Forward this message to your MOST trusted friends.

The link you should hold dear is here to get more information and read a chapter. REVEAL THIS TO NO ONE—ONLY YOUR CONFIDENTES.

Here, I must put a reference to Viagra that makes no sense and has no application to the matter of this lottery win of words whatsoever. But our attorneys require such in the midst of such stiff competition and your understanding is appreciated.

Kind regards, my newfound friend,

K. Harrington
Author, Janeology

1 comment:

Cheryl Kaye Tardif... said...

Dear Mr. Harrington:

I am rushing out now so I can get my accounts all set up to receive this wonderful offering. I can't believe I'm so lucky! Who would have thought that I, out of all the trillions of people in the world, would be the one and only person chosen for such an honor.

I will email you with all my information ASAP, including my driver's license number and all info on it, my SIN #, healthcare #, Visa #, Mastercard #, Sears #, Starbucks #, and my three bank accounts, including passwords so you and Amazon won't have any problems fulfilling my order.

I can't wait to receive these books. I am running off to tell all my friends. They'll think I'm pretty smart now, won't they?

~Suzy Homemaker

Ok, ok...I couldn't resist.

Actually, if people ARE smart, they'll order your book. I read it and it's an awesome read!